Teaching Your Teen or Young Adult to Write Effective Emails
Writing emails can feel like a small task—but for your autistic teen or young adult it can actually a complex life skill. Email-writing blends many challenges that autistic individuals often face: expressive language, understanding tone, interpreting and responding to social cues, perspective taking, sequencing, decision-making, and executive functioning. It’s no wonder that many bright, capable teens and young adults struggle with it. Many autistic teens and young adults feel anxious when faced with answering emails or reaching out to others by email. This anxiety can tend to fuel avoidance, which in turn impacts their ability to manage their lives more independently.
Helping autistic teens and young adults develop email-writing skills can be surprisingly challenging—but it's also a valuable, teachable moment. However, parents are often left wondering where to begin. You might think, "They’re 16 (or 18, or 21 or 25)—shouldn’t they know this already?" But this is a social task that isn’t always directly taught. Unless they’ve been explicitly taught how to write emails—and supported in navigating the social expectations behind them—they probably haven’t had a chance to learn. Like with many other skills, this is something that often needs to be broken down, modeled, practiced, and gradually handed over while the support is also gradually faded in a thoughtful way.
The good news? With the right kind of support, your teen or young adult can learn the skills they need to overcome the anxiety they may have when faced with this task. They can learn to write clear, respectful, and effective emails—while maintaining their own voice and growing their independence. What follows is a step-by-step approach you can tailor to your young person’s communication style and comfort level.
Step-by-Step Support for Teaching Email Writing
Step 1: You Write the Email While Verbalizing Each Step
This is the most supported stage. What your teen or young adults contributes to their learning at this point is to attend to what you are doing. Don’t underestimate this as a huge effort for them or the power this has in laying the foundation to their future learning.
Start by working with your teen or young adult at their current level of ability and comfort. Move gradually toward independence. You type while they watch and listen. Narrate your thinking out loud, in behavioral terms this is called modeling, and break the email into distinct, repeatable parts:
Greeting
Choose a friendly and appropriate greeting based on who they’re writing to.
Example: “Hi Professor Green,” or “Hey Jordan,”
Talk about how greetings set the tone, and how it changes depending on who you're emailing—formal vs. casual.
Reference the Previous Email or Interaction
Acknowledge the other person’s email. If they helped or responded quickly, thank them. If you're clarifying, be specific
Example: “Thanks so much for your quick reply.” or “I really appreciate you sending that information.”
Explain why acknowledging previous messages is respectful and shows you're paying attention.
State What You’re Writing About or What You Need
What do you need? Or what information are you providing?
Example: “I wanted to ask if you could clarify the assignment deadline,” or “Can I set up a time to talk more about my schedule?” or answer the questions they had for you.
Guide them to be specific and clear. When writing to someone in authority, model respectful, deferential language (e.g., “Would it be possible...” or “Would you mind…”).
Appreciation / Thanks
Thank the recipient again or show appreciation if they’ve helped or given information.
Example: “Thanks again for your help!” or “I really appreciate you taking the time to read this.”
Even if they already thanked the person earlier, a closing appreciation helps end the email on a warm note.
Sign Off
Example: “Sincerely, Alex” or “Thanks, Sam”
Help them choose a consistent sign-off that fits most situations.
Important Note: Even at this early stage, let your teen make final choices. Suggest wording or ideas, but make it clear that they’re in charge. If you override their preferences too often, they may stop accepting help altogether. If you feel strongly about something, explain your reasoning calmly—but respect their autonomy.
Also, throughout this process, offer genuine praise for their effort, participation, perseverance, thoughts, whatever.
Step 2: You Write, They Decide What Comes Next
Continue narrating the structure of the email, but now involve them more actively by asking for the next idea or sentence. They are invited to provide content at each step as they are able. You’re still typing, but instead of composing the whole thing, you pause to ask:
“What do you want to say to start?”
“Do you want to thank them or just get to the question?”
“How would you ask for that politely?”
Continue narrating the structure as you go: “Okay, that was the greeting. Now we’re going to respond to their message…”
If they get stuck, offer two or three choices quickly and ask them to pick one. This keeps things moving without overwhelming them with open-ended decision-making.
Also keep in mind there may be some level of overwhelm or fatigue that sets in. This is not a linear process. If your teen or young adult hits a wall then it’s ok to revert back to an earlier step to get this task done. There will be a chance for more practice on the next email.
Step 3: You Dictate, They Type
Shift the physical task to them while you continue guiding the content and structure verbally.
This flips the task—now they are physically writing, but you're guiding. In behavioral terms this is the next “successive approximation” to writing an email independently. This can help with executive functioning challenges like initiating tasks, switching modalities (thinking and physical typing) or sequencing. Continue prompting them through each part:
“Type: ‘Hi Ms. Taylor,’”
“Now let’s thank her for the reply—maybe say, ‘Thanks for getting back to me so fast.’ What do you think about that?”
“Ask your question next—what do you want to know?”
If spelling or grammar are a barrier, remind them that the content matters more than perfection—and that spellcheck or future editing can help. You can reinforce this by encouraging them to write exactly what they think or say, and then go back and show them that editing in action.
Step 4: They Start the Email, You Support as Needed
Ask them to begin the email on their own. Be prepared that this might be just a greeting and one sentence. That’s ok, it’s a start. This is a process, any effort, attempt, product, etc is ok and progress. Don’t underestimate how uncomfortable this might be for them. Resist the urge to point out that they know how to do more – this seems like it communicates faith in them but usually is received as shaming. When they pause or get stuck, gently and supportively nudge:
“What comes next? Do you remember or would you like me to remind you”
“Do you want to say thank you before asking the question?”
“Remember the steps—greeting, reference the email, your message, thanks, sign off.”
You can also offer sample lines quickly —“Do you want to say: ‘Thanks for your help’ or ‘I appreciate the info you sent’?” Then ask them if they want to choose one of those or think of their own. When they say what they want you can say ”great, type that”. If they falter at an point push a little but then don’t hesitate to go back to an earlier level of support. It’s ok and a valid form of support to move forward – one supported step back encourages them to be willing to take the next two steps forward when they’re ready.
Step 5: They Write First, You Add and Explain
Encourage them to write a full draft when you think they are receptive. Don’t worry if they aren’t ready for this the first time you offer it, just say, OK just start it, and we’ll do the rest together”. One day they will feel ready to write the whole thing themselves. Again, resist the urge to point out that they know how to do more. This was a big step so meet them where they are. Of course, offer genuine praise. Then go back in together and look for missing or unclear parts. Start by asking them what they want help with rather than jumping in to your thoughts and contributions. Then when their ideas are exhausted, or they cant really explain how they need help offer your ideas.
For example:
“You forgot to thank them—do you want to add something like ‘Thanks again’ before the sign-off?”
“You asked your question, but you didn’t explain why—want to add a little more context?”
Talk through why these elements matter, and when it’s typically okay to skip them (e.g., very short or informal messages). But, again, this is their email and they may not agree with your recommendations and that’s ok, offer the recommendation, give the reason for the recommendation, and then bite your tongue and acknowledge their right to write in their own way.
Step 6: They Write, You Give Feedback
At this point, they’re mostly writing independently. You might review drafts with them, offer light edits, referencing the steps (a–e above). Acknowledge what’s already there and gently note anything that might be missing:
“Nice greeting and closing! You could make the question a little more specific—do you want help with that?”
“Looks good! Do you want to add a quick thank-you before you sign off?”
Refer back to the structure (greeting → reference → request → appreciation → sign-off) so it stays familiar.
Step 7: They Write Independently with Occasional Support
Eventually, your teen or young adult will be writing complete, thoughtful emails on their own. You’ll be asked for help less frequently, and your contributions might be less each time. They will be able to handle most of the usual email communication they engage in. They may still ask for help when:
The stakes are high (e.g., writing to a professor about accommodations)
The situation is emotionally difficult
They’re unsure how to be polite and assertive at the same time
At this stage, your role becomes more about confidence-boosting, word-smithing strategy, and occasional proofreading than active coaching.
Final Thoughts: Teaching More Than Just Email
Support your teen or young adult without taking over. Respect their voice. And remember it’s not about the final product so much as it is about the learning.
Supporting your teen or young adult with email writing isn’t just about formatting, spelling and grammar. It’s about helping them navigate communication in a world full of hidden social rules, where written exchanges often carry weight. It’s about helping them find their voice and build confidence in real-world tasks.
You’re not just teaching writing — you’re teaching autonomy, self-advocacy, and communication. And as you demonstrate patience, respect their wishes, and celebrate small wins at each step of the process you leverage an opportunity to build trust, connection, and skill.